'CHOAD MANIA' - an 'investigation'

to celebrate the publication of Tao Lin's poetry book, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, i 'caught up' with him this evening to ask a few questions about 'choads':

me: first of all, could you describe a choad for british people who might not know what one is?

Tao: a choad is a penis as long as it is wide

it is also a kind of human being

a 'variety' of human being or animal

me: do you 'see' a certain kind of choad, when you think about choads? is there a kind of choad you are thinking about right now?

Tao: when i think 'choad' many different people 'flash' through my mind, rarely does an actual penis go into my mind, many times i see myself from outside of myself, like in a movie

i know i'm a choad

next question

me: do you think there are many animal choads? or is it a more 'human' thing or 'characteristic'?

Tao: i think a hamster, for example, is a natural choad, it's entire existence is as long as it is wide. nature's best choad might be the ocean sunfish (http://www.vte.qc.ca/uploads/Images/Californie/800px-Mola_mola_ocean_sunfish_Monterey_Bay_Aquarium_2.jpg)

anyone or anything can be a choad

i just idly glanced to my right and saw a few choads. my container of organic coconut oil, my container of tea tree oil, and my cd player. it is almost impossible to live a life free of choads, though some have tried, with disasterous effects, as you know.

me: have you typed 'choad' into google image search?

i just did

it is mostly just pornography, and this guy:http://www.geocities.com/donkeybunchfriends/choad.jpg

Tao: i have no desire to type choad into image search. i have not done that before. choad is mostly a metaphysical thing for me. it is like kafka's writing. kafka's writing to me is not about praque, jewishness, or fascism.

i just clicked that link, that human is definitely a choad.

but be warned: people who don't look like choads can just as frequently exhibit 'choadlike behaviors' (see the 'definitive choad gmail chat guide' with kendra)

me: is 'the choad' something you 'came to' recently -- a new 'emblem' -- or is something you've always thought about?

what drew you to choads?

Tao: human beings are not drawn to choads, choads are drawn to human beings. i guess the concept of choads just chose me, i don't know why, i'm glad though. i'm grateful, chris.

me: okay, i think i only have one more question, unless there's more you would like to say ...

Tao: i would like to say that choads rarely 'invade' dreams. i had a dream a few weeks ago that i met ellen page, from juno, in an airport, and she recognized me and i pretended not to recognize her, then we went somewhere and had sex. i was happy in the dream and woke up happy and felt happy for a while, there were no choads in the dream.

me: my last question is: can we expect the word 'choad' in your next novel?

Tao: i don't know why but i just took a really long time to answer this question. the answer is 'no, the word choad does not appear in my next novel.

me: okay. good. thank you.

Tao: thank you for interviewing me about choads, hopefully the serious literature community can see the value in choads, since i talked about kafka.

here, too, is the 'definitive choad gmail chat guide' by Tao Lin and Kendra Grant Malone:

Kendra: choad

Tao: choad

Kendra: i lost my job

i am a choad

life has been 'choad-like'

Tao: i ve been feeling choadlike

Kendra: choads

the weather is choadlike

everything is

Tao: kelly party firday night

life is a choad

Kendra: yes i will be there

i have a job interview tomorrow

im scared

Tao: whats ig

what is it for

Kendra: me = frightened choad

with that artist jeff koons

he makes giant puppies

Tao: choad

Kendra: choad puppies

gross

i got stood up by jakub again last night

jakub is a supreme choad delux

Tao: he is a choad

that is choadlike behavior

fucking choads

Kendra: fucking choads

Tao: melville hose event wed. night

Kendra: this wed?

Tao: yes

Kendra: shit

i cant

Tao: chaod is go

chad

Kendra: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

Tao: chod

Kendra: meow

Tao: im not meeting girls

the choad life continues

Kendra: i only meet supreme choad deluxes

choad choad

the origional

the king

no

the dutchess

Tao: the dutchess of choads

Kendra: are you at work?

Tao: that's good

i'm in my room

i brought a chair into my room. i'm sitting in the room

Kendra: me too

not on a chair

on a bed

Tao: like a fucking bitchass choad

i sit in the center of my room

Kendra: stupid

broccoli choad

a vegan variety of choad

Tao: cucumber licking choad ass bitch

Kendra: i am getting very close to the point of depression where it becomes homicidal tendencies

Tao: do you any 'hope'

'prospects'

Kendra: the job interview

got 'forthcoming publications'

writing = good

life = shitty choad land

Tao: im going to hang out a lot

Kendra: lots of hanging

Tao: find social events and go to them

Kendra: social choad

Tao: social choad

Kendra: meet female choads

Tao: female variety of cucumber licking choad ass hos

Kendra: make miniature choads

Tao: this is the definitive gmail chat on choads

Kendra: we win

'supreme king and queen choad'

i am wearing a tiara made of short fat penises

Tao: promotional bitch ass choads

Kendra: promo

internet video choads

i need to curb my giggeling

thats all i do in every video on the internet

'emotionally ticklish choad'

Tao: the giggling is good

it sounds good

Kendra: it makes you guys seem funny i guess

'seem'

Tao: yes, creates a false sense of

not being choads

unfunny choads

Kendra: hilarious choads

Tao: i want to eat a fried choad

for real

never mind

Kendra: i will always mind

that was gross

im never forgetting that

Tao: choad restaurant

Kendra: neutral meals

Tao: choad a la cart

Kendra: paper clips

choad a la mode

Tao: chris killen is interviewing m about choads

can i just send him this gmail chat instead

we can deelte the jakub part

Kendra: yess

no leave jakub

he is a choad

who should be publically called out

hmmm

Tao: this is good

i'me xcited

Kendra: i need a dictionary

Tao: chris said he'll post it

Kendra: i am a choad brain

oh wonderful

he is a good choad

a very big choad

many inches long and wide

Tao: 18

larger than a basketball

Kendra: that is huge

elephantitus

Tao: im going to eat, ill be back

Kendra: kkkkk

bonus 'choad' features:

the seattle paper the stranger makes 'choad' its word of the week

choad poem by Tao Lin

choad poem by Kendra Grant Malone