interview with Brandon Scott Gorrell, author of the poetry book 'during my nervous breakdown i want to have a biographer present'

Brandon Scott Gorrell is a young man from Seattle. he writes this blog, and has also written a (not-yet-published but hopefully forthcoming) book of poems called during my nervous breakdown i want to have a biographer present. he emailed me a copy of it. it's good. i have been going through a thing lately of not feeling like i want to read, unless i 'have' to (like i'm on a bus or something), but i read Brandon's book and enjoyed it a lot and felt excited and like i wanted to ask him some questions about it. he writes a lot in his poems about the internet, and gmail chat (which is pretty much like msn chat or yahoo or whatever, but runs alongside your inbox) so i thought it would be 'apt' to do the interview on gmail chat. it's pretty long, but i like Brandon's answers a lot. i apologise for not being a very good interviewer, but hopefully Brandon's answers make it something worth reading ...


Brandon: okay

i am ready when you are

me: i think i am ready

um

shall i just 'start the interview'?

Brandon: yes

me: okay

i feel nervous

Brandon: me too

me: do you feel nervous?

Brandon: yes

i had alot of caffeine

me: i am not sure if this is the interview

is this the interview?

Brandon: i had only one coffee but smoked three cigarettes in a row

i think this is the interview

my hands are cold

me: good

Brandon: ok

me: i am going to ask you some things about your poems first?

Brandon: okay

me: is that okay?

okay

how long have you been writing poems?

Brandon: the first poem i can remember writing was in like 4th grade, it was about comets and asteroids and technology, it rhymed. in it, i said 'high tech technology' and the teacher said that was redundant

me: yes

Brandon: but i liked it alot

me: you write a lot about technology

do you like technology? how do you feel about technology?

Brandon: i like technology, but i wish it wouldn't have so many shitty side effects, like polluting the earth. i would be dead without technology, i wouldn't have food. do you mean all technology? like agriculture and everything? or just like ipods?

me: i don't know. i think i mean 'modern' things, computers, etc.

Brandon: i like the modern things. sometimes i become afraid of the whole technology culture though, it makes things bleak or something. i always imagine microchips and bionic men and robots and skyscrapers, and 1984, something like that. then it becomes bleak for me. i think about satellite imagery alot. that makes things scary. i don't really know what i'm saying. a satellite seeing me from outerspace means something to me. i'm not really sure what it means, if it's good or bad

me: would you like to go into space?

Brandon: yes, i would, very much

me: would you feel embarrassed if you were just there as a 'space tourist'?

Brandon: if there were other space tourists with me i might feel sarcastic about going into outer space. but if i could have my own little compartment in the space craft i would never leave it, i would just stare out of the window. that would be really nice.

me: yes, that sounds okay.

Brandon: i agree

me: i would like to ask you about the internet now

i don't know how to word the question, though ...

do you think you would write the same way if there was no internet? (that is almost what i want to ask)

has the internet 'influenced' your writing?

(imagine a vague cross between those two questions, with a third question in it too, which you have asked yourself)

Brandon: the internet has influenced me alot. the people in the internet have influenced me alot. tao lin has influenced me, you have influenced me, noah cicero, daniel bailey, sam pink, the people i link to on my blog have influenced me. the books that the people from the internet have reccommended or sent to me have influenced me. if it wasn't for the internet, i wouldn't have read (at this point) writers like carver, yates, williams, moore, beattie, bukowski, sartre....and alot more. before i was on the internet all the time i was mainly interested in science fiction and manga. and for writing. i don't know. i think i would have eventually come to this way of writing. just as i think i would have eventually come to all those authors. but the 'scene' or whatever it is really 'pushed me' into it, into those poems, the way they are written, etc. also like 75% of my personal interaction is on the internet and i write about that some times.

was that answer too long

me: no. it was good. thanks

i feel a lot like that too, i think

Brandon: yeah

i feel pressure to differentiate myself, and sometimes i feel horrible anxiety after i read a bunch of blogs, because i'll have an urge to write something like what i just read, and that bothers me.

me: i am going to ask more about how you write, is that okay? is finding out how a writer you like 'works' something that interests you?

Brandon: do you mean, the process of them writing a novel or a poem?

me: yes

i think

Brandon: yes i like to know those things

me: do you spend a long time working on your poems?

on an individual poem?

Brandon: i have for some and haven't for others. some i will write very quickly and post on my blog. if i like one of those a lot, i will go and look it over and edit it for a while. i usually will do that one night. then i won't send it. then i will go to sleep and wake up and turn on my computer and read it again. then i will change it more. i will go to work or do shit, and then come home, read it and change it once more, then send it to someone. that is usually how it works i think. but sometimes i dont go back and do anything. the poems in the poetry book were different though, i spent alot of time editing that book.

me: did you spend a lot of time deciding how to place the poems next to each other too? what were your thoughts in doing that -- the order?

Brandon: i was really confused about that at first. i asked tao 'how did you order it, did you just do it randomly, or did you put them where they 'felt right''. he said 'felt right.' so i tried that. it was annoying. i tried to make the order of the poetry book 'logical' and 'spontaneous'. so sometimes there would be something about feeling very sarcastic and then the next one would be about feeling very connected to someone. or, i think, i grouped some poems that seemed more 'outer spacey' (aliens, or massive planets, or satellite images) together. the organization was hard. i didn't really like doing it, it stressed me.

it = tao's poetry book

me: i liked the order -- yes there are noticeable 'contrasts' between the feelings or styles of different poems, but that's good, i think. it 'worked' ... how do you feel when you are writing poems?

Brandon: i mostly always feel a very strong emotion. i don't think i've ever felt really happy while writing a poem. i think i've felt one of these things while writing poems: extreme boredom, extreme depression, extreme sarcasm, an extreme feeling of 'i am sitting on my bed and there is nothing, i don't know what i should do or how to exist' or something, or extreme 'longing' for connection with a person. there are probably other feelings too.

me: some of the feelings described in the poems are 'extreme' in a violent way -- murder, killing rampages. are you writing those things sarcastically, or do you ever feel those feelings (maybe not when writing, just, like, ever)?

Brandon: sometimes i have those feelings in a non sarcastic way, while at the same time knowing i would never do something like that, that if i was to start hurting someone i would see their faces and when i did i'd start feeling really bad for them, and stupid, and i'd stop and say, fuck, sorry. but sometimes i feel like it would be nice if a massive tidal wave crushed everything or something like that, only because i feel alone and there are so many people. i can't articulate that thought further. it's a peaceful feeling. i don't want to die either. and i don't want to cause pain to someone. it's just a scenario i imagine a lot, i think. to relieve pressure.

me: how are you feeling right now? are you okay? do you feel like this is going okay as an interview? are you alright to answer a few more questions?

Brandon: i feel good, i'm smoking a cigarette. i think this is a good interview. do you? i can answer more questions. i have nothing to do.

im unemployed

me: i think this is going well. i think it's 'picking up'

i think i would feel interested to read this, if i found it on a blog or something

that is my 'marker of quality'

Brandon: i hope so. i dont know. a lot of people dont respond well. i have anxiety about blogs. im afraid. its okay though. everything will be okay.

me: yes. everything will be okay.

you mentioned to me another time about how you post 'recklessly' on your blog. what is the most 'reckless' thing you have imagined posting?

have you ever imagined that -- posting something 'extreme' to fuck up your blog for no good reason?

Brandon: hmm

sometimes i want to post FUCK EVERYONE I DONT CARE ANYMORE and then an hour later post IM SORRY, ITS OKAY, IM SORRY

me: are you listening to music at the moment?

Brandon: no

me: okay

fine

Brandon: did i mess up the interview

i can put on music

ill put on music

me: put on music.

Brandon: im putting on

me: what are you going to put on?

Brandon: i put on an album by odd nosdam called 'level live wires'

its his newest album

me: the interview is now 'saved'

good work

Brandon: success

i just finished my cigarette

me: how would you like other people to feel when they read your poems?

Brandon: connected to me

or, it would be good if they were interested in it, when before they were sitting around feeling very uninterested

and it would be good if they felt less alone

me: i felt those things. i enjoyed the feeling i was having when i was reading it.

Brandon: what feeling did you have

me: i had a combination, i guess, of enjoyment, and amusement, and 'human connection' or empathy or whatever.

it made me feel good

Brandon: thats good

me: in one of the poems (the best moments of my life were the worst moments of my life if you consider the past and the future) you mention seeing a film where the main characters face turns black and floats away at the end. was that "30 days of night?"

Brandon: yes, you are right

it was peaceful how he died

i think he didn't feel alone

but the movie was a big disappointment

for me

me: me too

i liked the trailer. the trailer scared me a bit.

and i liked some of the 'overhead' shots in it. but apart from that ...

Brandon: i liked the trailer too. i first heard of the film when i was in new york, they had these huge scary red posters everywhere, and it looked really intense, and i really wanted to see it. but the posters didn't look anything like the film. i thought it was going to be like 'sin city', the style of it. but it was just a regular film

me: i am going to ask you about the font you used in your poetry book now. what font was it?

Brandon: arial 10 pt for the poems and 20 or 26 pt for the titles of the poems

its the same font as my blog

me: it looks nice. is that the 'final' font you would like in the finished book. if harper collins offered to publish it, but wanted to change the font to something curly like 'garamond' would you let them?

Brandon: i like these font questions. harper collins would probably give me a $50,000 advance or something and would distribute it alot of places. i would resist it but in the end i would say okay. if it was a press that was shitty i wouldn't. i don't know. i would talk with them about it and make some kind of decision.

that is the final font i would like it published in, yes. but if someone was like, lets use this font, and i saw it, and i liked how it looked, i would say 'okay'

me: i like the font, too. it's a good font.

you should 'stick with it' i think.

Brandon: yeah i don't see that many people using it either, which is strange to me

arial looks good if it's under 11pt. and over like 18 pt. 12 pt. arial, i think, looks really bad.

me: yes. i went through an arial 12pt. 'phase' a few years ago. i don't know what i was thinking.

Brandon: really?

haha

me: yes

Brandon: i don't really like times 12 either

me: i thought it looked 'amazing'

Brandon: haha

me: but it looks a lot different in those sizes you use -- you're right. i didn't even recognise it.

Brandon: yeah

i like how arial looks when it's big and bold, it looks like 'professional and cutting edge' or something

'in your face'

me: what would you like on the cover?

Brandon: i'm not sure, i was just thinking about an all black color with 'during my nervous breakdown i want to have a biographer present' in arial, neon green (the color of the font on my blog). but i'm not sure. i would need to talk with a designer or something. i would like more ideas.

color = cover

in first line

me: i read on a thing you had on a blog recently -- that life of pi blog -- in your 'author bio' bit, that the book is now coming out on (Tao's) muumuu house press. is that true?

Brandon: maybe. i sent it to wave poetry (i think the site is wavebooks.com). their office is in seattle and they publish good things. they published matthew rohrers books and the other books i've seen, the covers, look good. i had an '

'in' to wave poetry, and the editor said he'd get to the manuscript sometime in january. i haven't heard back from him yet. when i do, i'll know more of what to do. the loose plan is, if wave doesn't want it, muumuu house will publish it. this is dependent on whether muumuu house becomes something real and all plans are achieved. i don't want to put pressure on muumuu. the plans are tentative, but they are plans.

me: that's good. i think either of those things would be good. i will be 'keeping my fingers crossed' for you.

Brandon: yeah, i am satisfied with the way things are going right now, with that whole thing. it's hard to be really excited because whatever happens, it will take a long time to happen. like for you. your book will be published a whole year from now. when did you write it? i wish it wouldnt take so long for these things to happen.

me: i was talking about that with someone today. i worked it out. i started it september, 2005.

Brandon: damn

me: i am still to do the 'last draft'

we have a vague february deadline set for that.

then it is 'over'.

Brandon: so like 2 years basically

maybe it's something good

me: i want to somehow write a whole novel in a day.

Brandon: yeah, me too. that would be really good.

me: i got impatient a lot, but i did -- after a while -- find something more 'satisfying' in working on the same thing for a long time. trying to make it better. how is your novel coming?

Brandon: it's not really coming. i get stuck editing everything and then i run out of ideas. some people seem to be able to write alot. i dont know if for me its just inexperience or something. it's not really coming. i'm slow, and half the time i start writing, i'll write something totally different and turn it into a little story or poem or something. i don't know. thinking of that makes me feel depressed. i think there will be some time when i'll be able to shit something substantial out, though. novel length.

me: yes. i have a 'good feeling' about that (even though i don't know you very well)

i think you will do it.

Brandon: i feel encouraged

self confidence has temporarily risen

me: i could send you an email every day saying 'i think you will do it' if you want? i could set up some kind of automated thing.

Brandon: they would probably end up depressing me, because every day i have my gmail open all day, and when i see 'Gmail - Inbox - brandongorrell@gmail.com' turn to 'Gmail - Inbox (1) - brandongorrell@gmail.com' i get really excited, and maximize firefox feeling kind of insane, and when it's junk mail, or mail i expected, or some chain mail from my grandmother, i almost always get pissed.

me: i could write four or five and 'randomize' them?

please?

Brandon: if it makes you happier you could

ill eventually hate you

me: okay. i will do it then.

hooray

Brandon: yes

a goal

me: everything will be okay

Brandon: im still listening to music and i ate a banana.

me: i am about to go to the toilet and make some toast.

(that is not a euphamism for 'going to the toilet' -- i am going to do one thing, then the other thing.

Brandon: haha

thats funny

me: i think this is the end of the interview. do you have anything else to say?

that you would like to talk about?

Brandon: i dont think so.

me: okay. thanks.

Brandon: youre welcome

*update: if you have read this and feel 'satisfied' about what Brandon Scott Gorrell thinks, but are still wondering what he looks like when he is doing all the things he typed about above, then you can watch this video of him, doing things. i like the video a lot. the music is good, too. i guess a lot of why i like it is because it looks a lot like the things i do, and when i watched it i felt like someone had made an 'american movie remake' of my life.*